I Killed Wolf’s

A past of sandwiches. Drawing by Todd McEwen.

It was California, so, sandwiches. I sat by the model overlooking Balfour Avenue, astatine our room table. Its integrative cloth, gray, with a fringe of achromatic yarn. (How did she ever lavation that thing?) My parent was moving betwixt the descend and the stove, framed successful the doorway to the eating room. Outside was a large lantana with orangish moths successful it. I retrieve this arsenic the clip erstwhile we started to speech to each different a lot. Was I four? I said to her that I was gladsome I didn’t person to spell to schoolhouse yet. “Oh, yeah?” she said.

The sandwich beloved to maine successful those days was Monterey Jack with mayonnaise and lettuce connected Van de Kamp’s sliced achromatic bread.

MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN MAYONNAISE

There was a perverse ancillary crushed that I liked this sandwich: an past cartoon that returned again and again, connected Sheriff John’s Lunch Brigade connected KTTV, which I ne'er missed. In this, 1 of the hundreds and thousands of characters from the aboriginal days of commercialized animation—Sparky? Inky? Horny? Drecky?—ate a sandwich that looked similar excavation and smacked his lips loudly portion helium did it. Of course, I could lone smack my sandwich this mode erstwhile I was successful beforehand of the TV and my parent was retired of the room, and retired of earshot. But it did marque it sensation better.

A grilled food sandwich, made connected our aluminum griddle with the rounded corners. Same bread, aforesaid cheese. Maybe Tillamook cheddar erstwhile successful a while. Perfect. Golden. A large manus for my mom, folks.

Honey sandwiches. Van de Kamp’s achromatic bread, butter, and Sue Bee whipped honey. I inactive person a fearfulness of chromatic you compression retired of a bear.

I liked peanut food and jelly. Everyone does. But portion Welch’s grape jelly was the nationalist standard, I accidentally discovered that I besides liked peanut food and Rose’s lime marmalade, thing my parents had astir from a travel to Canada. What a small snob! But you should effort it.

I liked baloney OK, but I truly liked liverwurst. My begetter was peculiar to telephone it braunschweiger. Oscar Meyer, or, better, Farmer John. My dada would adhd earthy onion. A measurement excessively acold for maine astatine that time. But erstwhile I aboriginal encountered the liverwurst sandwiches astatine McSorley’s, packed with bulb and mustard that blows your caput off, I recovered that I was, successful fact, prepared.

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Later successful beingness I developed a existent sensation for Bermuda bulb sandwiches. Just onion. Out of elemental quality compassion, I effort to devour these erstwhile nary 1 other is home. One time nevertheless I had conscionable polished disconnected an full purple beauteous bulb connected pumpernickel erstwhile the telephone rang. It was the dentist—where was I? I’d gotten the time wrong, thing that often happened erstwhile I was utilizing diaries from Ordning and Reda, who people them successful specified an ultra-cool airy grey that you can’t spot what fucking time it is. “But I’ve conscionable eaten an bulb sandwich,” I said. “Oh, that’s OK—come connected over. Come connected now.” I brushed my teeth 3 times, which ruined the heady acquisition of the sandwich, and ran implicit there. I opened my rima and they were genuinely amazed astatine however I could capable up their full practice, truly the full building, with this essence of 1 onion. They’re inactive talking astir it.

I was erstwhile unsocial successful wintertime successful a location connected Long Island. The salient features of this location were a large eating array astatine which I could work, a faulty wood stove that astir killed maine 1 evening, and a closet afloat of the owner’s Ballantine’s scotch and Pall Malls (I much oregon little replaced them arsenic I utilized them). There were besides a batch of books by Simenon and Bemelmans. What I brought to this solitary enactment were onions, cheese, ham, and beer, from a small store I could rhythm to connected the crystal (this was beauteous Buster Keaton sometimes).

There was a week oregon truthful successful heavy wintertime erstwhile it was truthful frozen that I had to enactment indoors. There were cardinals connected the fence. After I finished moving for the time I would prime a fistful of Simenons, determination a solid of beer, and beryllium astatine the luxuriously ample array and work successful the vigor of the stove. Each clip Maigret ordered a solid of brew from the barroom successful the Place Dauphine and drank it successful beforehand of his stove, I drank 1 too. If helium ordered a sandwich, I had a sandwich. When helium smoked his pipe, I smoked mine.

Was this immoderate mode to walk the coldest portion of the winter? Yes. It was. I kept myself alive, kept the villagers astatine a distance. After all, I was “trying to work,” the operation that I’ve utilized against everyone I’ve ever known. I person to.

Sometimes it got a small nuts due to the fact that determination was a vigor presumption successful Bridgeport that played the astir adorable R&B records connected Saturday nighttime and I’d bop astir the surviving country and past zoom backmost to the large array for different sandwich and a solid of brew and past drowse, until the whapping of the mousetraps successful the room awakened me—there was thing to devour successful determination but the detritus of my sandwich-making and a large barroom of Ivory soap. They would tally crossed the level to get astatine it.

***

An autumn luncheon successful Edinburgh. Drawing by Todd McEwen.

My dada had a laboratory mishap successful precocious schoolhouse wherever his hairsbreadth caught occurrence and the wrong of his chemoreceptor was scorched. After that helium couldn’t sensation oregon odor overmuch (his hairsbreadth survived). His gustatory beingness was muted from that period. He liked beardown tastes, though present that he’s ninety helium lone likes candy. Where helium got a sensation for German and Jewish worldly I don’t know—he grew up French Catholic, eating baked beans and pancakes successful the mediate of nowhere, and successful the Navy helium was stationed successful Nassau. Once successful a portion he’d instrumentality maine to LINDEL’S, connected Lincoln Avenue successful Anaheim. There I’d ticker him devour gefilte food and pastrami and sauerkraut. This spot was owned by a rotund, jovial antheral who ever came implicit to our table. My begetter seemed truly grateful to this antheral for selling nutrient that had flavor successful Orange County, California, successful 1958. One time my dada asked him if helium was Mr. Lindel? (Pronouncing it similar “kindle.”) The antheral said, “In a mode of speaking, sir. The sanction of my edifice means ‘Lincoln Delicatessen.’ ”

(My parents are, successful existent fact, the past radical successful the satellite who devour baloney. After a twenty-four-hour airplane travel it’s a existent dainty to beryllium offered 1 of their rather adust one-slice baloney sandwiches and to beryllium told “We forgot to bargain beer.”)

***

In 1964, we moved to a much genteel, much blase town. I’m not arrogant of it and I don’t similar mentioning it. It was Palo Alto, California. New place, caller sandwiches. The existent find was the VILLAGE CHEESE HOUSE, a ample deli with elegant stuff—my grandma utilized to nonstop maine chocolates from determination that had babe ants, bees, and caterpillars successful them. They were dead. Crunchy.

This store was tally by Europeans. Their preferred breads were pumpernickel and rye, and they enactment heaps of nutrient and food onto their sandwiches, on with mayonnaise, mustard, and PICKLES, which I had ne'er agreed to and I thought I’d astir apt hate, but I didn’t and present I MUST person them.

My parent spent astir of her beingness successful the frozen nutrient conception of the supermarket. There she recovered “Larry’s” frozen poor-boy sandwiches. These came wrapped successful metallic mylar and you enactment them successful the oven for fractional an hour. They fascinated maine due to the fact that they had mayonnaise successful them on with ham and baloney (I guess) but the mayo became nice, not horrid, adjacent though it was blistery and had erstwhile been frozen. Mayo, mayo, mayo. I coveted these but lone got 1 each mates of months.

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A HAMBURGER USED TO BE CALLED A HAMBURGER SANDWICH

When my begetter had to spell retired of town, our parent would instrumentality america to MOORE’S BURGER HUT, which sat practically close connected the railroad tracks. It was built of cinder blocks and it was precise smoky wrong and the hamburgers were great. N.B.: the operation of MOORE’S BURGER HUT was identical to that of KIRK’s, successful Los Altos—was determination a feline driving astir California gathering the nonstop aforesaid burger associated everywhere? Beige cinder block, linoleum, beams, the grill fractional indoors and fractional outdoors?

HIPPO, Menlo Park. Funny murals, large abdominous hippopotamuses waddling astir and enjoying hamburgers. No 1 needs comic murals if you person bully burgers. My begetter ever threatened to bid a Cannibal Burger, which was steak tartare, but helium ne'er did. He conscionable liked proceeding america squeal.

Hamburgers, the odor of atrocious ones, pervaded Third Street successful San Francisco. Walking from Third and Townsend up to Market Street was similar crawling commando-style done a vat of frying onions. You inactive smelled similar it the adjacent day. My parent hated this.

In North Beach determination were each these household Italian places on Columbus Avenue and they sold elephantine hamburgers connected San Francisco sourdough, stuffed with onions and sautéed greenish peppers and garlic.

***

Various pleasures of sandwiches. Drawing by Todd McEwen.

New York City. Now that is simply a sandwich town. WOLF’S. ZABAR’S. CARNEGIE DELI. THE STAGE DELI. KATZ’S. B&H. BARNEY GREENGRASS. MURRAY’S? Forget it. I’m not adjacent going to speech astir bagels. It’s conscionable excessively huge.

In my vicinity determination was TA-KOME FOODS—“Home of the Hero.” Far from it, I’d say. The rolls were not bully and the spot smelled. It could person been feline piss oregon rodent piss oregon roach spray. Or each three. Bigger men than I swore by their meatball heros. (I’ve ne'er eaten a meatball hero, and anticipation I ne'er person to.) I preferred ROUND sandwiches to LONG sandwiches. A WUSS.

There was thing benignant of urine-y astir each their sandwiches, travel to deliberation of it. They did that happening of sprinkling each sandwich with lipid and vinegar, whether you wanted it oregon not. Everything astatine TA-KOME was somewhat obscured, similar it was an aquarium, due to the fact that of the steam tables and due to the fact that they ne'er truly wiped the splash guards. Or anything, really.

MAMA JOY’S was cleaner and tastier, and much expensive. The cheeses were overmuch better. The main acquisition was the tremendous feline with the tremendous mole connected his face, the Ham-and-Salad-Tub Man.

The breadstuff and rolls were amended here—I don’t deliberation TA-KOME had existent rye astatine each and they surely didn’t person pumpernickel. At Mama’s the lettuce and tomatoes were fresher. We could bargain Bering cigars, our tube baccy (Sobranie and Mac Baren), and worldly similar that. We experimented with Tijuana Smalls. IDIOTS.

I went done a play erstwhile I ordered everything connected full wheat. But that gets tiring, no?

One time Isidor and I decided to invitation our prof to lunch. He was precise precocious and we yet phoned his office—he’d astir apt been hoping that we’d forgotten astir it. Anyway helium yet came down the thoroughfare and helium seemed beauteous unimpressed by the grilled food sandwiches I made (just similar Mom’s) and the Campbell’s herb soup, I mean helium was astir arsenic impressed arsenic helium was with america arsenic scholars.

Isidor was not a sandwich benignant of guy. So whenever I went implicit to his and Mary-Ann’s spot connected the eastbound side, I would halt astatine this deli connected his country and prime up a baloney and Swiss connected a roll. Just to annoy him.

***

I amazed myself by getting a 1000% Celtic Girlfriend. She was Scottish and Irish AND Welsh!

Her popular was a feline who utilized ham sandwiches arsenic a mode to debar his family. He was connected a wholly antithetic docket from the remainder of them, connected a antithetic level entirely—even though helium made it appear that helium lived among them. He ever had crockery for breakfast, and six days a week helium took a precise aboriginal bid into the city. He near his bureau connected Third Avenue conscionable arsenic unreserved hr was ending and arrived astatine location astir 7 thirty, erstwhile astir commuters had already had dinner. As his woman prepared their meal, helium had 3 large scotches. Then helium ate a small bit, asked a fewer polite questions astir however everybody was, and went to bed.

Sunday was the 1 time helium was literally, inescapably astatine home, and helium struggled with that. When things got excessively familial, excessively American, who knows, excessively CELTIC, helium retreated to the kitchen. Dads ever retreat. They can’t carnivore to spot what they’ve wrought. He had these stoneware brew steins successful the refrigerator that said Löwenbräu connected them. He’d capable 1 up with a tin of brew and devour a ham sandwich. The ham sandwiches were made by his wife, and they appeared ever to beryllium successful the fridge, waiting. Enviable arrangement. Day oregon night, helium stood astatine the room sink, looking retired astatine the backyard. Like a Hammershøi coating of a country from Updike.

This benignant of happening truly works arsenic a interruption for MALES, but MALES don’t truly need, oregon deserve, a break.

***

There is thing to beryllium said astir Boston, but that they had fantabulous baccy and determination were 2 sandwiches, some successful Cambridge. One was MR. BARTLEY’S, wherever the hamburgers are precise similar KIRK’S. The different was a wholly fake but rather magical German restaurant, the WURSTHAUS, wherever the sandwiches were generous and tasted similar those astatine the VILLAGE CHEESE HOUSE. Maybe it was the pumpernickel oregon possibly I was conscionable missing my family.

Durgin-Park didn’t person sandwiches, and adjacent if they did, you’d person had to get immoderate large guys to assistance you shove a ton of premier rib to the different broadside of the country adjacent to find them. Jacob Wirth’s had sandwiches, and bully ones—corned beef, tongue, Westphalian ham, adjacent sardines—but I lone ever had blistery bratwurst with beans and sauerkraut.

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Breakfast. Drawing by Todd McEwen.

The tramezzini of Rome. There is thing somewhat unusual astir them. They’re surrounded by a benignant of oily glow; they look similar they’d travel isolated successful your hand. I’ve ne'er seen anyone devour one, either, yet determination are ever piles of them. There is simply a definite consciousness to this: it’s ROME. What bash you request a sandwich for?

They accidental you can’t get a atrocious repast successful Paris. This is simply a anserine and pathetic happening to say, due to the fact that I’ll archer you precisely wherever you tin get one: astatine a blue-colored café connected the rue de l’Odeon. They person the astir awful, inept, disgusting salmon sandwiches ever made. Write maine and I’ll springiness you the address.

Isidor and I were wandering astir London. We passed a pub wherever determination was a motion announcing

FRESHLY CUT SANDWICHES

This incensed Isidor, who stood looking astatine this motion successful fascination, saying, “Do you get this? This implies there’s immoderate benignant of art, oregon technique, to simply …”

On Calle del Laurel, successful Logroño, Rioja, the thoroughfare of vendors of tapas and pintxos, roasted calamari, pulpo, tuna, cigalas, patatas riojanas, olives, meatballs, mushrooms, manchego, idiazabal, bacalao, anchovies, morcilla, chorizos, croquetas, torreznos, patatas bravas, tortillas and padron peppers, they don’t request nary steenking sandwiches.

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Sandwich dimensions. Drawing by Todd McEwen.

What is called the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland should not be, due to the fact that there’s thing agreed astir it. There are cucumber sandwiches, but bleccch. There were the historical duck-paste sandwiches that killed a batch of radical successful Scotland. Bleccch. There are chains that effort to imitate American delis, but bleccch.

What the English telephone a ham sandwich contains lone the faintest memory of ham.

I had to edifice to moving astatine an English university, retired of poverty. Of imagination. And money. This was a dire wholesale reentry into the domain of the sandwich. At the assemblage determination was thing to devour BUT sandwiches. They appeared astatine immoderate and each meeting, seminar, class, WHATEVER, from a concealed location, and they were ever damp. The cheap, saccharine mayonnaise (don’t ever sojourn England) made maine nauseous and the margarine gave maine diarrhoea (that’s however they spell it!). The fillings tasted similar they were scooped up disconnected the floor.

Just erstwhile I’d finished 1 sandwich, the 1 I couldn’t imagine however I was going to swallow, I’d person to spell to a MEETING, wherever determination would beryllium PLATTERS of sandwiches, the aforesaid silly, unspeakable ones I’d conscionable paid wealth to GAG DOWN due to the fact that I was moving a ninety-hour week and had nary clip to spell anyplace for decent food. Not that determination was any. It was ENGLAND.

They RAMMED these platters and platters of sandwiches astatine me, and down me, until I had to QUIT.

***

Wolf’s. Drawing by Todd McEwen.

WOLF’S: “Every Meal a Memory,” it said connected the matchbook.

We liked to locomotion astir Midtown. She favored the eastbound broadside for its boutiques and galleries, portion I favored the westbound broadside and its theaters, broadcasting companies, beer, and baccy shops, which she didn’t springiness a damn about, though she was bully astir it. She bought maine an avocado-green involvement vessel to enactment my tube cleaners in.

Wolf’s wasn’t kosher. They had everything: each kinds of bread, meat, fish, cheese, nary problem. The sandwiches were astir 8 inches high. I had consumed a fig of them during the people of our romance, but 1 time my attraction was arrested by the show of a CHEF’S SALAD connected the limb of a waiter. From that time on, each I ate astatine Wolf’s were these chef’s salads: 2 kinds of lettuce, Swiss cheese, cheddar, adjacent a small scoop of husbandman cheese; batons of ham, turkey and tongue, tomatoes, radishes, achromatic and greenish olives, hard-boiled eggs, cucumbers, carrots, the full drenched with “bleu” food dressing oregon Thousand Island and topped with the dill, dill, DILL of the seventies. Where has it gone?

One time we were feeling cozy and blessed successful Wolf’s—I accidental cozy but truly it was a precise blistery day, truthful we were feeling reverse-cozy successful the blast of their truly almighty air-conditioning. I had my chef’s crockery and Heineken, she her blini and iced tea. And successful the icy coziness, talking, laughing, she relaxed and enactment her feet up connected the bare seat other her. But this waiter passing our array looked down astatine her and said, “Miss! Please!” Now, this was a precise well-brought-up, ladylike girl. And she blushed. Deep. And aft that I wasn’t truthful keen connected Wolf’s. And their consequent past was checkered: the spot started getting regular reddish flags from the wellness department. An altercation betwixt room workers ended successful a stabbing.

But possibly their troubles truly began the time I deserted the sandwich for the salad.

Todd McEwen is the writer of respective novels including Who Sleeps with Katz and The Five Simple Machines, and Cary Grant’s Suit, a publication astir the movies. He lives successful Scotland.